As I look
back at my first post in January 2013, things didn’t quite end up as I had
hoped, but there were a few high points. Unfortunately, more low than high, but
I have learned even more about myself and my faith during 2013. So thanks 2013!
Here’s my 2013 in review…
January 2013
My 2013
started out with me waking up, if I had ever really been asleep, to swollen,
itchy, puffy eyes evidence of a night of hard crying and a hangover from too
much of…something. I had to pack some clothes and check the weather to see if
the roads were clear enough to drive to Indianapolis. They had a pretty bad
snow storm a few days prior and it dumped at least a foot of snow. I was packing
up to go join my mother by my brother’s hospital bed. You see, he had taken a
turn for the worse. His stage 4 brain cancer had not been eradicated, but in
fact grown causing his brain to swell. My brother was in and out of
consciousness for a few days. He knew who my mom was, and I believe he knew who
I was, as well as his childhood friend who sat by his side joking about old
times. I knew this was going to be the end, and I did what I do best – focus on
the business end of things. Making sure my mom ate, bought a new coffee pot for
the area in the hospital where my mom
had been staying for free, making sure the hotel room was still available…whatever
to keep me from dealing with the inevitable. Unfortunately, my dad and other
brother were not able to come because it would be too dangerous for my dad to
travel. You see, my dad had kidney and lung cancer. He had just had his
radiation treatment on his lung the month prior and was not able to travel. My
brother stayed home with dad to care for him.
All the while
I am thinking: God, this is too much. I can’t take anymore. How can one family
go through so much at one time? I was also speaking of my very dear friend who,
at the same time of my struggles, was going through her own. We were each other’s
support system. You see, her father had just passed away in July 2012, a few
months before my dad and brother were diagnosed. Subsequently, her mother was
diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, and later brain cancer as well.
Again, all
the while I am thinking: God, this is too much. They can’t take anymore. How
can one family go through so much at one time?
We spoke to
my brothers friend from Oklahoma and told him he needed to come. He made it
there on my brothers last night. The night before my mom and brother had a
conversation. He told her he was tired. She said she was too. And then he
closed his eyes and death’s process began. The night before my brother passed
away I fed him some soup because he said he was hungry. He ate all of it. While
he wasn’t very verbal, he looked me in eyes the entire time. His gaze never
left mine. He had once told me he liked me being around because I reminded him
of momma. The nurse came in to take blood, but she couldn’t find a vein, and he
kept pulling his arm away, and mouthing the word ‘oww’ then look up at me as if
to beg me to make her stop. So I finally said, is this necessary right now? She
said she would come back later. The next morning mom and I sat with the
doctors. He was no longer responsive. He was just...sleeping. There was nothing
more they could do. They took him off the monitors, put him in a private room,
and gave us some chairs. I went and picked up his friend from the airport. He
was able to sit and talk to him. And then, like that – he was gone. Just a few
hours after the doctors had told us there was nothing more they could do, and
anything they did do as this point would be more harmful. I’m grateful for those
doctors. I came back in the room seconds after my brother took his last breath.
My mom looked up at me and said, Annie he’s gone. I remember putting my hands
to my head and crying out and running out of the room. I had to stifle my cries
because we were in a regular hospital ward and it was very late. I couldn’t believe
this…my big brother was gone at 42. Had I done enough? Was I as good to him as
I could have been? These are questions that I mull over every so often. My
answer to myself is always: yes, you could have been better. We can always be
better.
All the while
I am thinking: God, this is too much. I can’t take anymore. How can one family
go through so much at one time?
March 2013
I had been
trying desperately to get a new job – to get out of the hell hole I was in at
the time. For my Spring Break, I had told my parents I would meet them in
Houston to help out since my dad was having his kidney surgery for his cancer.
The week before we head down, I get a call from my dad. He tells me that my mom
had a mammogram, and the results were back. She has breast cancer. While down
for my dad’s surgery, she’ll have some tests done as well.
All the while
I am thinking: God, this is too much. I can’t take anymore. How can one family
go through so much at one time?
Meanwhile my
good friend’s mother continues to get sicker, and had to stop chemo because she
was getting chemo toxicity. However, no chemo meant it gave the tumors time to
grow.
Again, all
the while I am thinking: God, this is too much. They can’t take anymore. How
can one family go through so much at one time?
I was numb
and had a job interview right after getting off the phone with my dad. Needless
to say I bombed it. I went to Houston, and helped my parents. My brother had
gone down a few days before me to help out. I shuffled my mom to her
appointments, and then we would visit my dad, and then take him to our
temporary home in Houston.
All the while
I am thinking: God, this is too much. I can’t take anymore. How can one family
go through so much at one time?
April 2013
I went to the
cemetery in Jefferson City to visit my brother for our birthdays – they are 2
days apart. He didn’t have a marker yet as it was still a bit cold. A few weeks
later I got an email from an employer I had interviewed with over a year ago.
They had selected another candidate originally. This was one of my dream jobs.
They were calling to see if I was still interested. They had been very
impressed with me.
All the while
I am thinking: God, this has been so much. I thought I couldn’t take anymore. We’ve
gone through so much at one time. Thank you for giving me something to hold
onto.
I went for my
annual physical exam. I told my doctor everything that had been happening. She
said one of the techs was going through something similar. When the tech came
in to draw blood we talked more. Her mother had recently been diagnosed with
breast cancer. She said she wanted to pray with me right there because our
families were going to be healed, and we were going to receive the strength we
needed to endure. We were not going to be defeated.
All the while
I am thinking: God, this has been so much. I thought I couldn’t take anymore. We’ve
gone through so much at one time. Thank you for placing people in my life that
strengthen and lift me up; and remind me that You have the final say.
This is when
it finally hit me that I have to stop stressing myself about things in which I
have no control. I can’t fix everyone. I can’t heal everyone. I can’t take over
and make it all better. Only God can. I realized that I have to hand it all
over, and leave it. Once I did that, life became easier, well manageable. I
could handle whatever came my way because I knew that God had it covered.
All the while
I am thinking: God, this has been so much. I thought I couldn’t take anymore. We’ve
gone through so much at one time. Thank you for giving us what we need to
endure and sustain us during this journey.
May-September 2013
I started my
new job and love it. It’s been a long time since I woke up and looked forward
to going to work. Mom was having vaying levels of chemo and doing well. Dad recovered
well and they indicated his cancers were gone. Unfortunately, he still wasn’t
feeling well.
All the while
I am thinking: God, this has been so much. I thought I couldn’t take anymore. We’ve
gone through so much at one time. Thank you for your healing and for giving us the
strength to endure.
October 2013
I go to Houston
to help my mom recover from her surgery. She had triple negative breast cancer
which is one of the most rare. While there my Dad had follow up exams and tests
done on some new concerns. For over a year my parents have been staying at a friend’s
home when they would drive to appointments. They haven’t had to pay anything
for lodging in 16 months.
All the while
I am thinking: God, this has been so much. I thought I couldn’t take anymore. We’ve
gone through so much at one time. Thank you for placing people in our lives
that give unceasingly from their hearts for no other reason than it is a good
thing to do.
At this same
time, my very good friends mother passed away while surrounded by her family. I
was, and still am, heartbroken for her and her family.
Again, all
the while I am thinking: God, this has been so much. This one family has gone
through so much at one time. Thank you for placing us in each other’s lives to
be one another’s support during this journey. Thank you for letting me have the
opportunity to know their parents.
November - December 2013
My mom is
cancer free and is going through radiation as a final measure to her treatment
plan. We also found out my dad now has a rare intestinal cancer that is
extremely hard to treat.
All the while
I am thinking: God, this has been so much. I thought I couldn't take anymore. We've gone through so much at one time. Thank you for being the author and the
finisher to this story.
All things work according to Your will, and I will lean
not to my own understanding.
Moral to the story:
- I have been pushed to the point of breaking, but I didn’t and I won’t. I know from whence comes my help.
- Once you lay it on the altar, leave it there. Don’t go back and pick it up.
- Faith makes things possible, not easy.
- When you step out on faith, you then gotta walk in it.
- There is a peace like no other when you truly hand it over to God.
- God will use your life to serve as a testimony to others to demonstrate how your faith can heal not only you, but those around you.
- God will give you what, or whom, you need when you need it.
- I am glad God doesn’t give me everything I want when I ask for it. He has the master plan. If you step back, you will see your path.
- I do my best to help others because it helps me through my own struggles.
- God WILL give you back everything that was taken from you…plus some.
- God may not remove your storm, but He will give you an umbrella, galoshes, a raincoat, and even a boat to endure it. It's not always about the destination, it’s the preparation you experience during the journey. If you're not prepared for your destination what's the point of being there.
- God does hear and answer every prayer. It’s just that the answer is sometimes: no, just hold on, I have something even better planned.
I am thankful
to every person in my life that is supporting me and my family. We are a living
testimony. We are still on this journey, but my faith will not waiver. God is
showing me that He rewards His faithful. That He will give me the desires of my
heart. And what more can I ask for?
I am thankful
that 2013 is ova’! 2014 will be a year of increase, healing and answered prayer
for all of us. Not simply, but in a way you can only say, “that was nothing but
God”.
*doin’ holy ghost dance* *shaking tambourine*
