Life Lesson #48 - You may think you need a change of scenery when all you really need is a change of heart.
Well, this is a topic near and dear to me as I'm in the process of understanding the full depth of this "epiphany". As some of you know I've recently moved to not only a new state, but a whole new region of the country.
I was desperate to move away from a major metropolitan area that I felt had become unhealthy and unfulfilling. Desperate - let me repeat - DESPERATE for my life to change. DESPERATE to be living the life I thought I was supposed to have had by age 34. And just like stink on shit, desperation doesn't wear well on a woman - especially not this one.
I hated my job, or more, what it had become. The work environment affected to me so much that I was seriously ill. I broke out in a cross between hives, chicken pox, and some type of rash...felt I looked like a leper and was on quarantine for over a week. My old Navy doctor/dermatologist told me I was his "1 in a million patient". Now that's sayin' somethin' from an old Navy doctor, and let's be real - that's not a prize, nor title, I wanted to hold. I mean, who really wants the shirt "I was a Leper, and all i got was this T-shirt...and a rash." I'll save the part about me cussing out the PA at my first doctor's appointment... **call me for the details**
My immune system was shredded from years of being in high stress jobs and the high stress life that goes along with living in a major city. So much so, my primary doctor thought I had cancer! WTF? And a young black female ER doctor told me, "Honey, think it's time to change some things in your life." Naw, shiggity, but how do I do that? SO, I thought moving somewhere would be the end to all of my troubles. I can move somewhere, start over- hopefully with someone and start that family with the white picket fence.
**blank stare...blink...blink** Uh no! With an emphasis on 'Uh' and 'No'. What I've come to realize you can change your surroundings but if you don't change what's on the inside, its going to be the same shiggity wherever you go. Same shiggity, different state.
So here I am - reminded of a reading in Joyce Meyer's book, Ending Your Day Right, where she talks about how your thoughts bear fruit. Think positively and your life will bear good fruit, think negatively and get bad fruit. What ultimately resonates with me is her last sentence, "for as you think in your heart, so are you". Inside, I was desperate, unhappy, angry, sad, disappointed...and those same feelings followed me because I put more effort into changing my zip code than I did changing my outlook - my heart.
Now, I'm putting more effort into changing my heart - living my current life and not the one I thought I should have had. Stay tuned...its gonna get good.
Now, all of the things I write are my life's lessons. I share so that maybe others can learn from what I've been through or seen. I don't have all the answers (well, maybe most...) but its something to ponder. I'm not a therapist and this is not intended to provide counseling or advice. Just someone who feels they've learned a thing or two.